Ok Ryan, I see how it is. You think you’re the only one who can solo-mock around here? Prepare to get solo-mock-cold-cocked.
1. Indianapolis – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford – I can already see the awkward press conference twelve years from now where Jim Irsay sheds crocodile tears over the premature retirement of Mr. Luck. Enjoy the ride, kid.
2.Washington – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor – I give Washington credit for having the cojones to move up for a true franchise QB. I don’t know whether Luck or Griffin will be the better pro, but I do know that Griffin will be trading up on his girlfriend.
3. Minnesota – Matt Kalil, OT, USC – So Minnesota is reporting that they’re not necessarily married to Kalil at number three and trade offers are “heating up.” Translation: “We have three talented football players on this team. We are desperate to trade down and collect more picks. No one is interested in trading up to our spot. We’ll be picking Matt Kalil.”
4. Cleveland – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama – The only way the Browns won’t address their offense with this pick is if it is revealed that the Ohio state government owns stock in Prozac and Zoloft. For the love of God, is it at all possible that this offense passes on the top offensive player in the draft? Sorry about being drafted by Cleveland, Trent.
5. Tampa Bay – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU – The Bucs’ top need is cornerback. Claiborne’s ex secondary coach at LSU is the new defensive backs coach in Tampa. Claiborne is the best at his position by an order of magnitude. Richardson is off the board. Tampa pulls the trigger here even if Claiborne scored a -50 on his Wonderlic.
6. St. Louis – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State – Another automatic pick. The Rams need a WR more than Rush Limbaugh needs a ball-gag laced with smallpox.
7. Jacksonville – Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame – How do you miss on Tim Tebow twice? In other news, Michael René Mularkey sure likes to coach wide receivers, and some boards have Floyd higher than Blackmon. Could the Jags use another pass rusher across from Jeremy Mincey? Sure. Does their owner like taking “high character, high motor” guys? I guess. Do I care? No.
8. Miami – Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M – Sorry, Mr. Craig. At this point, I’d be shocked if the phins passed on Tannehill. Hopefully, Ireland has the testicular fortitude to swallow his pride, acknowledge the fact that Tannehill is merely a converted WR with only 19 (19!) starts and a whole lot of work to do on his game. Unfortunately, I think the Dolphins front office feels that they have to take a QB high in this draft. That means passing on superior talents like Melvin Ingram.
9. Carolina – Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State – The pussycats get even luckier when the best player at their biggest need falls into their laps. On the positive side, only five months until the nation gets to see Cam Newton fall back to Earth.
10. Buffalo – Melvin Ingram, DE, South Carolina – The Bills could be looking toward the offense, but something tells me they won’t be able to pass on a unique defensive talent like Ingram. Hope he likes snow.
11. Kansas City – David DeCastro, G, Stanford – This isn’t a sexy pick for Kansas City, but DeCastro looks as close to a future hall of famer as I’ve seen in the draft. KC is in the weird position of having multiple team needs despite having attempted to address those needs in the offseason. Of course, this meant overpaying for “talent” like Stanford Routt and Eric Winston. I’ve seen better film on teeth.
12. Seattle – Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina – Coples has been dropping down boards faster than Kim Kardashian’s panties in the NFL Draft green room. However, if there’s one guy out there who feels he can handle Coples, it’s probably Carroll, who seems to relish coaching up lazy-asses. If he can, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will have a destructive pass rusher on their hands.
13. Arizona – Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa – The Cardinals’ offensive line could not be more abysmal. I think Reiff can improve in a few areas, but it’s a noticeable drop-off between him and Jonathan Martin. Arizona wouldn’t mind taking a wide receiver to play across from Larry, but this is just a wee bit high for Kendall Wright or Stephen Hill.
14. Dallas – Mark Barron, S, Alabama – God I hate it when I mock the perfect player to my archenemies. There isn’t an analogy descriptive enough to articulate the crappiness of Dallas’ secondary, particularly their safeties. Barron is the only safety worth taking in the first round, and I’m not even sure I’d take any of the remaining safeties in the second round. Enjoy this one, Jerry – you still look like the pedophile pastor of a Texas mega-church (which, in a way, you are).
15. Philadelphia – Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina – This pick will either be a DT or a CB. Dontari Poe and Michael Brockers are possibilities here, and I never underestimate Andy Reid’s ability to coach up elite physical talents. I also never underestimate Andy’s ability to house a Wendy’s Triple Hot N’ Juicy Cheeseburger. But I think the pick will be Gilmore. Asante Samuel is officially gone and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie plays like he has only one kidney (oh wait…). Gilmore is big, tough, and doesn’t take any shit. Perfect for Philly.
16. New York Jets – Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor – What the Jets really need is a new QB, a new head coach, a new GM, and a running back, but they’ll have to settle for a wide receiver here in round one. We here at BFM believe that RGIII owes part of his number two overall paycheck to Mr. Wright, who made Griffin look fantastic throwing the deep ball last year. Is there a more unstable receiving corps (and a more fragile collective psychology) than the one the Jets have put together? Kendall Wright will outlast and outperform everyone in that offense.
17. Cincinnati – Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama – The Bengals are quietly putting together a nice team. Help in the secondary is needed and I have Dre as the third best CB on my board, significantly behind Claiborne but not far behind Gilmore. I think Janoris Jenkins will get a look here because Marvin Lewis likes a challenge, and to be honest, only Claiborne looks better on tape than Jenkins. Problem is, the tape on Jenkins off the field is horrendous. Either way, the Bengals are getting good talent at a need position.
18. San Diego – Whitney Mercilus, DE, Illinois – I like Suzy Kolber’s hair more than I like the Chargers’ pass rush. Mercilus is a natural born pass rusher who plays with high energy and no quit. Unlike Suzy Kolber’s hair, which waved a white flag years ago.
19. Chicago – Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse – I had no idea who this guy was till this morning, but he’s flying up draft boards and many think the Bears will be selecting the best defensive lineman available. Jones has been drawing comparisons to Simeon Rice because of his length (read: skinny) and athleticism (read: unpolished). I’m reserving judgment until I see more film, but I like pretty much anyone more than Michael Brockers.
20. Tennessee – Shea McClellin, OLB, Boise State – I honestly have no idea what Tennessee is going to do with this pick, but the Titans seem like the type of team that would leap at the chance to select McClellin. Shea crushed the combine and should be the first OLB off the board.
21. Cincinnati – Stephen Hill, WR, Georgia Tech – Jerome Simpson is a more reliable gymnast than a wide receiver, so how sick would it be if the Bengals picked up Hill to play across the field from the fantastic A.J. Green? Even Mark Sanchez would thrive with receivers like that.
22. Cleveland – Cordy Glenn, OT, Georgia – Glenn, who can play guard or RT in the NFL, immediately upgrades the right side of the offensive line.
23. Detroit – Janoris Jenkins, CB, North Alabama – I’m not drinking Adam Schefter’s Kool-Aid on this one. Detroit isn’t the type of team to pass on superior talent just because of cannabis problematis. Only Claiborne looked smoother on film. That being said, I can see Jenkins slipping to the middle of the second round if Detroit doesn’t pluck him here.
24. Pittsburgh – Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis – It’s time to find some youth for that defense, which aged about 50 years during the playoff game with Denver. Casey Hampton is a first ballot hall of famer, and the Steelers have to begin grooming his replacement. Dontari Poe would be sensational anchoring the defensive line – that dude can easily absorb two, three, however many blockers while the linebackers and safeties wreak havoc. Slam dunk.
25. Denver – Michael Brocker, DT, LSU – It’s now or never. I’m not sold on this guy, but John Fox was able to keep Julius Peppers motivated so anything is possible.
26. Houston – Nick Perry, DE, USC – I like Mayock’s idea of taking Coby Fleener here, but I think another physical pass rusher would turn this already solid defense into a juggernaut. Watching Nick Perry hitting pads at the Combine was kinda like watching Ivan Drago train for his fight with Rocky (go to 1:25).
27. New England – Courtney Upshaw, DE, Alabama – The Pats are almost certainly trading their other first round pick so it’s vital that they address their weak pass rush with this pick. Upshaw is a steal here at 27 and there’s no doubt that the New England staff will turn this guy into a monster.
28. Green Bay – Jerel Worthy, DT, Michigan State – Green Bay is desperate for another pass rusher to help out Clay Matthews, but the best are off the board. The Packers could certainly use a corner or safety, but those are reaches at this point too. Worthy is better than I think most people are giving him credit for and will help the Packers generate more pressure everywhere.
29. Baltimore – Dont’a Hightower, ILB, Alabama – This is a no-brainer: the Ravens need depth at linebacker and must at some point draft a successor to Ray Lewis. Hightower is an outstanding football player.
30. San Francisco – Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford – It’s a good thing the Niners snatched up the overrated Mario Manningham and the hand grenade known as Randy Moss, because all the first round eligible wide receivers are off the board. The right side of the offensive line is one of the only parts of this team desperate for an upgrade, and Martin seems destined to be an adequate (but not outstanding) right tackle in the NFL.
31. New England – Andre Branch, DE, Clemson – As mentioned, there’s no way the Patriots keep this pick, but if they do, they need more help on the defensive line. Branch has holes in his game but New England will make him a contributor.
32. New York Giants – Coby Fleener, TE, Stanford – The champs will be selecting the best player available in each round. Fleener is the consensus favorite at his position and happens to fill a need for New York.